Thought Patterns That Stop Us from Setting Boundaries With Nedra Glover Tawwab
Nedra Glover Tawwab is the author of the New York Times bestseller Set Boundaries, Find Peace.
Licensed counselor, sought-after relationship expert, and one of the most influential therapists on Instagram Nedra demystifies this complex topic for today’s world. In a relatable and inclusive tone, Set Boundaries, Find Peace presents simple-yet-powerful ways to establish healthy boundaries in all aspects of life. Rooted in the latest research and best practices used in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), these techniques help us identify and express our needs clearly and without apology–and unravel a root problem behind codependency, power struggles, anxiety, depression, burnout, and more.
To buy the book and learn more about Nedra visit her website and follow her on IG @nedratawwab where she share tools, and reflections for mental health and hosts weekly Q&As about boundaries and relationships.
End the struggle, speak up for what you need, and experience the freedom of being truly yourself.
Healthy boundaries. We all know we should have them–in order to achieve work/life balance, cope with toxic people, and enjoy rewarding relationships with partners, friends, and family.
The following is an excerpt from Set Boundaries, Find Peace that Nedra has generously shared with our community.
Thought Patterns That Stop Us from Setting Boundaries.
9 Potential Reasons Why You Can’t Sufficiently Set a Boundary
• You fear being mean.
• You fear being rude.
• You’re a people-pleaser.
• You’re anxious about future interactions after a boundary has been set.
• You feel powerless (and not sure that boundaries will help).
• You get your value from helping others.
• You project your feelings about being told no onto others.
• You have no clue where to start.
• You believe that you can’t have boundaries in certain types of relationships.
You Fear Being Mean
Your biggest fear is being mean. But what is “being mean” really? When you say “I don’t want to be mean,” you’re assuming that what you say to another person will be perceived that way. But how do you know what others see as mean? The truth is, you don’t. The fear of being mean is based on the assumption that you know how the other person will view your words. But assumptions are not facts; they’re hypotheses. Experiment with assuming that people will fully understand what you say.
You Fear Being Rude
How you verbalize your boundary matters. In Part 2 of this book, we’ll go into depth about exactly how to state your boundaries. We tend to assume that when we declare what we expect, we can do it only by yelling or cursing. Typically, this is the case when we’ve reached a breaking point and have waited too long to set the boundary. But if you’re proactive about it, you won’t have to reach a breaking point. Then you’ll be able to communicate your limits respectfully. If you’ve reached a boundary-breaking point, however, you can to say, which will help you assertively deliver your expectations without yelling or “being rude.”
You’re a People-Pleaser
The hardest thing about implementing boundaries is accepting that some people won’t like, understand, or agree with yours. Once you grow beyond pleasing others, setting your standards becomes easier. Not being liked by everyone is a small consequence when you consider the overall reward of healthier relationships.
People-pleasers tend to be consumed with thoughts about what others are thinking and feeling. They want to appear as good, helpful, and inviting. For people- pleasers, setting a boundary is especially hard because their worst fear is being disliked, on top of the fear of being mean or rude. These fears are often signifi cant enough that people- pleasers would rather suffer in relationships without limits than face their fears.
You’re Anxious About Future Interactions After a Boundary Has Been Set
The fear is, “Things will be awkward between us after this.” Well, declaring a fear makes it so. If you state that you’ll behave awkwardly during your next encounter, you will. What if you continued the relationship normally instead? State your boundary, and proceed with typical business. You can’t control how your request is received, but you can choose to behave in a healthy way afterward. Maintaining a level of normalcy will help keep future encounters healthy. Do your part. Model the behavior you’d like to see in the relationship.
You Feel Powerless (and Not Sure That Boundaries Will Help)
You attend to every problem except the lack of healthy boundaries. You assume that even if you set one, people won’t listen. You think about the worst- case scenario and become consumed with thoughts about how establishing a boundary will never help. But if you execute and uphold your boundary, it will work. Staying consistent is essential if you want others to adhere to your boundaries.
You Get Your Value from Helping Others
“I’m a helper.” There’s nothing wrong with that, but you can be a helper without being a pushover. Help people and set a boundary. Limits create clarity about how you are willing and able to help. After all, helpers, who are typically overwhelmed with caring for others while neglecting themselves, need boundaries, too.
You Project Your Feelings About Being Told No onto Others
You hate being told no— so much so that you hate telling other people no. It’s natural to dislike it when you don’t get what you want, but being told no is healthy. It’s likely an indication that the other person has healthy boundaries. If you learn to manage your feelings about being told no, you will become a more sympathetic boundarysetter. But don’t assume that others will feel the same way you feel. Allow people to have a response before you presume how they will feel. They might be open to your boundaries.
You Have No Clue Where to Start
Getting started is your biggest hurdle. “What do I say? What if they don’t like it?” These are good questions. That’s why in this book we’ll address what to say, when to state your boundary, and what to do if it isn’t well received. When you’ve practiced unhealthy boundaries for so long, it’s hard to consider your options. You’ve grown accustomed to not having choices. While reading this book, you will gain a lot of ideas about possible boundaries that you can implement in various scenarios.
You Believe That You Can’t Have Boundaries in Certain Relationships
You might think, “I can’t tell my mother that I don’t like ____.” Instead, think, “How can I tell my mother that I don’t like ____?” In every relationship, you can set boundaries. It’s a matter of how you set them. Many people find it hardest to communicate expectations to family, but hard doesn’t equal impossible. The hardest thing can be overcoming your belief that the process is complicated. Again, assuming the worst is what most often stops us from even trying.
Uncomfortable Feelings That May Arise from Setting Boundaries
Depending on your relationship to the other person, your connection to the situation, and how long you’ve gone without setting a boundary, you may experience discomfort (guilt, sadness, betrayal, or remorse).
Three things prolong uncomfortable feelings:
• Minimizing: This is the result of denying the impact of life events or trying to reduce their meaning. For example: “I was stood up for a date, but it doesn’t matter because I had other things to do anyway.”
• Ignoring: You act as though your emotions don’t exist.
• Moving on too soon: When you try to push through a painful experience without feeling your emotions, you prolong the journey of recovery. Rushing the healing process will also likely lead to repeating the same mistakes.
Guilt
The number one question I’m asked about setting boundaries is “How can I set one without feeling guilty?” My immediate thought is “You can’t.” I know, I know — I’m a therapist; there must be something I can do to make boundaries guilt-free. But, nope, there isn’t. What I can do is help you deal with your discomfort. I can help you feel better about saying no. Coping with discomfort is a part of the process of establishing a boundary. In Chapter 6, we will go in depth about ways to manage your discomfort around setting boundaries.
Sadness
Sometimes we feel sad because we don’t want to be mean. If you see setting boundaries as mean or rude, you will be sad after setting one. It’s essential to reframe the way you think about this process.
Here are a few ways to reframe:
• Boundaries are a way of advocating for yourself.
• Boundaries are a way to maintain the health and integrity of a relationship.
• Boundaries are an excellent way of saying “Hey, I like you so much. I want us to work on a few things.”
• Boundaries are a way of saying “I love myself.”
Reconsider the language you use to describe setting boundaries.
Betrayal
Setting boundaries is not a betrayal of your family, friends, partner, work, or anyone or anything else. Not setting them, however, is a betrayal of yourself. Don’t betray yourself to please others. Changing the way you think about setting limits helps manage the discomfort associated with setting them.
Don’t betray yourself to please others.
Remorse
“Did I say that? Oh my gosh that came out wrong.” It’s natural to feel like you didn’t do the right thing. When we set boundaries, this happens because we think we’re doing something wrong. But it isn’t wrong or bad to set them. Reframe the way you think about setting boundaries, and that mental shift will help you minimize discomfort.
IN THIS CHAPTER, we talked about all the things that get in the way of your setting boundaries — the feelings, thoughts, and limitations you put on yourself and others. This process will become more natural to you when you get into the rhythm of consistently setting them.
EXERCISE
Grab your journal or a separate sheet of paper to complete the following exercise.
How were boundaries taught in your family?
Did your parents/ caregivers honor your boundaries? If so, in what ways?
How were your boundaries dishonored?
When did you realize that setting them was an issue for you?
What’s your biggest challenge with setting them?
Excerpted from Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab with permission of Tarcher Perigee, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. Copyright © Nedra Glover Tawwab, 2021.
